Why write? I don't know. I haven't went a day without it. The imagination is a gift and everyone has it. All we have to do is use it for whatever we want and this is my outlet. These are my writings. Jaded Smile - My personal blog
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May 10, 2004
I wrote these for an English project I had to do awhile ago.
"Fear"
I am the concrete lump in your throat
The one you try to swallow
I am the fist against your stomach
The inital thought of "What did I do?"
I am the desperate feeling
The kick that leaves you scrambling for a reason
I creep in fast
Coating like a fog
Hanging around until you find your tongue
Waiting for you to make me dissipate
I am the reason you hide
Try to shake me off
To pretend that you aren't scared
Still I cling to your thoughts
They are my oxygen
Like a parasite you are my host
I only live if you let me
"Almost Forgotten"
Straight through your eyes
I see the lies
Watch you scramble for words
I'm not sure if you know
I don't want it hear it anymore
You can keep your false affection
It was like an infection
The healing process has started
You are almost forgotten
But every time I close my eyes I can still see your face
"Shark"
A flash of white daggers
Crimson mouth smiling at me
"Swim as fast as you can," it taunted
The shark's beady, black eyes staring at me
Its slippery, steel body gliding through the water
I couldn't scream
There was water all around me
Flailing arms and kicking feet, but I wasn't moving and neither was he
Trying to get away from fear
Then I stopped and stared
The animal stared back, closing its mouth and turned
Leaving me
"Leaving"
I remember leaving
the chill of winter
the dark of the night
tearing down the posters on my wall
the soft light in the hall
the confusion i felt
the fear lodged in my gut
stuffing my clothes in a suitcase
staring at the bare room
listening to the sound of crying
worrying about leaving my brother behind
looking at my mother say it'd be all right
thinking I didn't believe it would
walking out the front door
the cold glass against my palm
the sound of the car door shutting
the look of the house as Mom backed away
the desperate, sinking feeling as we left
Posted at 09:11 pm by bonc128
Apr 8, 2004
All of these were written on 03.30.04
[1]
Just who do you think you are?
Going and making me think
What if and maybe
I just can't take it anymore
So it's in a box now
And it's on fire
Goodbye
'Cause it's official
I'm done
No more running around
I have found my answer
And you're on fire
I used to think I had a chance
I now know
I don't, never did
I let it go now
It has left
No goodbye this time
[2]
I cannot do this anymore
Can't looking at you pretending I don't feel anything
Can't smile to block the pain
So now I'm leaving
'Cause there is no other way
There is nothing left for you to say
I let you go
I left you behind
I'm moving forward
I don't know what else to do
I just know I can't be with you
I don't know what you see
When you look at me
I feel closed up
My only choice is to walk
Because all this false hope isn't woth it anymore
[3]
Which way do I go?
Lost and lonely
Tell me
Do you have the answers I need?
Or are you another wrong turn?
Don't look at me like that
I'm sorry that I asked
I'm sorry that I even asked
I just thought maybe
But I guess you were the wrong person to ask
[4]
Full of regret
Missing all that I lack
Shouldn't have done this and that
Shouldn't have said it back
You know you mix things up
Make me question myself
But I'm done
I say you're gone
But for how long?
Forever
--------- Posted at 08:28 pm by bonc128
Mar 29, 2004
Kid,
How do I being to explain this?
I have wanted to tell you I was done for a few weeks now. I try to throw my hands up and surrender. I tell myself that I'm done. The box is duct taped and on fire. It's over.
Funny thing though. It's not. Why isn't it? Okay, for one you keep popping the bubble and breaking down the walls with your actions and words. You said you didn't know what to do with your feelings. Well, how am I supposed to know? Just get rid of them. Throw them out and say you're done, too. Make it easier for both of us because this whole situation is complicating everything.
I don't feel like I can talk to you about things anymore. You don't pay much attention when I talk. I try and say things but you focus on something else and interrupt. That's okay. I'm used to it, but it proves to me that I was right in the first place. I should have never said anything when you asked. At first I felt relieved that you knew, but now...I screwed things up. I realize that nothing is going to happen. Friends will have to do because I don't think either of us could handle it if we were more.
You said you wanted to see if we could get anywhere later on in like the years to come - after you grow up that is. Hey, you said that. I didn't. Either way I don't have the time. I cannot sit around waiting for you. I have things to do and if a guy likes me and wants to actually be with me why not? The thing is I keep thinking what about you? What about you being jealous like you were with Josh? What about you wanting a chance? Then I think you had your chance and you just blew it. It was bad timing, I'll give it that, but I don't want to hold on anymore. It's not you hurting me. It's me hurting myself by not cutting myself free from these feelings that trap me in your charm. We'll always be friends, at least I hope we will, but I'm done with holding this ball of "maybe". Someone else can have it 'cause I don't want it anymore.
The only thing is I don't know what you're thinking, but that shouldn't matter. I've made up my mind and I'm done. It's not really that I want to, but it has to be.
So I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I thought you should know. It was about time I just told you. This is my second step to getting over it.
I'm out.
Posted at 05:45 pm by bonc128
Feb 23, 2004
Written on 02.22.04 (I think I'm going to add more to it when I get the motivation)
I remember looking at myself in the mirror. I thought "Who is this person? Are they ill? What is wrong with them?" My pale complexion seemed to fade even more, leaving me ghostly and tired. What had happened though? Where had I gone? I was somewhere inside the hideous body I was staring at.
I guess I was lost
Go out and have a good time. No, no. Socializing means people. No, thanks. What was I scared of?
Written 02.14.04
I look around
But I know you're not there
And that has always been my fear
Looking for something that isn't
I've only been fooling myself
You're not here anymore
Left a long time ago
This I already knew
It was all false hope
You're not coming back
It doesn't matter what I do
I still remember your look
I still feel the hurt
The hand squeezing in my chest
I guess I should've never took
Just one chance I ask
But I should know
Written on 02.22.04
Rise back up again
Say a short thank you
And give a small wave
But the thoughts are screaming at you
The feelings are beating you
'Cause you know you're on the edge
You're about to fall again
No, no
It doesn't matter how happy you feel
You've still got the hurt
Just passed the shame
To the right of lonely
All leading you to the end
Nothing, really
Just a little bruised you say
But I know
I see in your eyes all you hide
It's not the same
You're still low
But that's how it'll always go
Posted at 07:19 pm by bonc128
Feb 16, 2004
Listen for the things I don't say
I see you standing there. I want to scream at you, but I know – I know you can’t hear me. I watch you turn slightly, tilting your head up like you heard something. Your head shakes. It was nothing. But yes, yes it was something. Why can’t you just see me? I am right here. I am standing directly in front of you. But I am lost somewhere in between a dream and death. You’re different. You only see what’s real, and I am left wondering why this is what I feel.
Posted at 07:52 pm by bonc128
Jan 29, 2004
Difference between bent and broken
Written on January 01, 2004
I know you don't see me anymore
Twisted thoughts of the past
Went through some things
People just change
You used to believe
I was just innocent, lonely, naive
But that's no longer me
I don't need you
I'm blocking out your words
All they do is tear
And I've too many scars from all the time before
I'm not doing this anymore
This place is still the same
Clouded and caving in
I wasn't meant to stay
There are things I gotta do
Written on January 28, 2004
Hands wrapped so tightly
Suffocating
I can't breathe
But laugh 'cause the joke is on me
Say I should've known
And nothing could've prepared me
So now I leave
Slowly slipping
Feel my balance tilting
Forward and back
Which way do I go?
But gravity has chosen
I can only scream
'Cause no one is catching me
I'm falling
Painful clear streams
I look up, then down
It hurts too bad to see
And they trickle out
But nothing is fixed and everything is broken
Super glue doesn't mend feelings
And water doesn't wash them clean
Eyes closed
Just where did my happy place go?
All I hear are words
They mean nothing
Only scar
I just don't know
How did I make it this far? Posted at 08:33 pm by bonc128
Jan 1, 2004
I wrote these last night 'cause I had a thought and yeah...he just won't go away.
.01.
You came back again
Here I am scramblin'
Tryin' to find something to hold onto
'Cause I stopped
My fall has ended
But what do I do?
How do I lose this anger, this fear?
No, don't smile at me
I don't need to let go
Just need to hold on
Tell you what I'm thinkin'
But I can't
I'm afraid of you
Expectations
Want what you want when you want it
But what about me?
No more you
Need to get rid of these feelings
But somewhere in our mess
I think you took my heart
I feel so cold
So broken and so bruised
I ask how could you
It's just no use
I think I love you too
.02.
He always says the right thing
Knows what makes her smile
Knows what makes her mad
Uses his charm
Turns her mind against her heart
He knows he's bad for her
Can't really help it though
They've always been more than just friends
So he'll keep tellin' her
He wants, needs, misses her
Hey how have you been?
It's been awhile
Why don't you come and see me?
And she starts to believe he really cares
She's been hurt more than a time or two
Falls for his words
But somewhere she thinks it's not real
His honestly is too much
He has something planned
But for now she'll listen
And trust he really cares
Believe he's worth her time
'Cause there is no rush
It's never been just a crush
--------
Posted at 10:24 am by bonc128
Dec 30, 2003
When does it end?
Let it be over
‘Cause I can’t keep on
The walls are leaning
I’m pleading
Just stop
But no
Nothin’ seems to work
And now you say you’re not leavin’
‘Cause we’re forever
But this isn’t me anymore
Just stop
Thought maybe you’d change
But I did instead
And you’re still holding on
The thought that everything lasts
It all cracked
Shattered glass
Now I’m bleeding
Just stop
Posted at 08:29 pm by bonc128
I wrote this awhile ago...sometime in November I think.
That’s it.
That’s all there was to it.
Goodbye.
I had to leave.
I couldn’t stay there anymore. He was crazy. I was crazy.
How could I say goodbye? How could I just pick up the pieces and just leave? I wanted to. I needed to. I was going to. I made up my mind. It was the last time he was going to scream at me, hit me, hurt me.
My hand rested on the cool brass doorknob. What was I waiting for? Christmas had already passed, and I had ten months until its return. No, I couldn’t wait that long. I was going to lose it by then. At least I still had my dignity for the moment. I turned the knob slowly with my last box of personal items tucked under my left arm. This was it. I was really leaving. When he came home I’d be gone and then he’d know what it feels like to lose.
---------
Posted at 08:20 pm by bonc128
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